Submissiveness and Me

Submission to me is a beautiful place, it’s a comfort zone, and it’s a safe place, even if my backside and hands sting like hell. I feel I belong, that I’m not on the outside of life looking in. It isn't a place where I have no worries or concerns because I’m troubled greatly because I wish to please the person who has taken me there but despite all its qualities its wonders mystify me.

Submissiveness means many different  things to many  people, everyone’s ones perception will be different, some will differ slightly and others will be poles apart. For example I don’t like the worthless male angle; I’m not useless I’m just sexually and domestically submissive. However some male submissives will need to feel worthless to get into the submissive Zone. The thought of being cuckold actually makes me feel sad but as with every aspect of any consensual fetish I have nothing against those guys, in fact the complete opposite, go for it if it’s what makes you feel complete.

I exclusively use the services of the professional Dominatrix to venture into my submissiveness. It’s no secret on this blog that I would like to be in a female led relationship however as I’ve stated in previous posts I have totally given up trying to find it. Being a male submissive is not easy, normal relationships are difficult, I have a broken marriage, two cohabited relationships and a string of short term partners behind me and nearly all of these failed because of my lack of ability to conform to the male in charge stereotype. Only once did I ever speak of my desires to a partner and the results were only just short of personal Armageddon.... Won’t do that again!

My own lifestyle doesn’t help much either. I have two jobs, my main job is very male orientated but flexible which allows me time to pursue my part time career which is very rewarding however absolutely nobody in my social circle knows about. It’s not secret work or anything sexy like that It, It’s just something I’ve kept for me.  My social life is way too macho for its own good. Couple all of that with my past and you’ll see it doesn’t exactly put me in the shop window as a typical submissive. So it is obvious why I’ve only ever expressed my submissiveness via professional Domme/disciplinarians.

Over the last 29 years my submissiveness has changed, dare I say matured. The early years were highly sexually charged, that slowly mellowed until I reached a point about 6 years ago when I thought I understood my own nature. A London Domme who I regularly visit will spank paddle and cane me to a point where she has captivated me totally, where I am broken, I’m simply hers, and she could do whatever she wishes with me at that point. It’s a wonderful point, I feel safe, I feel looked after, a paradox that only us in this fetish (I hate that word) would understand. The only  downside is  it’s  always at the end of the session and therefore doesn’t last long. I can achieve  similar feelings with other Dommes and I do enjoy visiting other Dommes but this lady had the edge. However  a new disciplinarian entered via stage left and everything changed.

When I visit a Domme for the first time I am without exception nervous but then from the next visit on I’m not. I had no reason to expect this not to be the case when in October 2010 I visited a new disciplinarian for the first time, however on my second visit to this lady I noticed I was far more nervous than at our initial meeting and this continued over a few more sessions up to and including Decembers meeting. I started to notice that my total submissiveness was almost instant and for our last two meetings it was absolutely instant. It was wonderful. I felt safe, I felt looked after, I was eager to please, I wanted to show my gratitude to someone who made feel so beautifully submissive from the outset. I know I had paid money for this and the cost isn’t something I’m in a position to be dismissive of but it was like the cost and my submission were not connected. Anyone who regularly reads this blog will be all too aware that any price paid for Decembers encounter was an absolute irrelevance. I’ve spent ages now trying to work out what is so different, why was this lady's approach  so captivating to me. Sure she is attractive, I would go as far to say stunning but I’ve sessioned with many attractive dommes so it couldn’t be that.She canes hard and uncompromisingly but I’ve met others too that do. Well I have now finally worked it out, I’ve finally placed the last piece of the jigsaw, I’ve got it, I get it now, I know what makes me crumble, but I’m afraid that’s staying with me for now. I want to enjoy the knowledge solo for a while.
So I’ve arrived at perfection, the journey is over, I’ve found the Domme. I never thought I would ever get to a point where I would say “that is the only disciplinarian I will visit from now” well I have, but there is a catch and life is far from perfect because alas this wonderful lady is no longer doing sessions. Yep how’s your luck?

I know for certain this lady would not want me to dwell on this and that I should look forward. It took decades to finally arrive at a submissive nirvana and now my search must start again, though this time I know what I’m looking for. I’m not ready for deep emotional sessions again yet and I need to have some fun with CP on my next outing.

After that the search will begin but I bet I drink a lot of cava before I discover champagne again and when I do I doubt I’ll match the vintage.